This is a talk I delivered at St Patrick's in Soho on Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I believe this song is helpful to understand the effect that our Father's voice has within us.
I ran away from your love but you waited for me, yes, you waited for me
and then I heard your song, singing over me, singing over me
Now that I hear you Lord, I want to know you more. I want to know you more.
Chorus : Sing your song to me. Oh, there’s no greater thing
than to listen to the sound of your voice
When I hear your song I want to sing along
and listen to the sound of your voice,
the sound of your voice
Lord, I am calling your name and I’m waiting for you, yes I’m waiting for you
So won’t you show me your way and I will follow you, yes I will follow you Chorus
Singing over me bringing peace and mercy with a song that never ends
Sining over me marvelous and holy, Lord, I want to hear your song again Chorus
THE SOUND OF MY FATHER’S VOICE
I remember as a child about the age of four years old waking up in the middle of the night with a terrible ear ache. It seemed also that my whole body was on fire, as if I was immersed in pain. Suddenly I heard the sound of my father’s voice. I think he might have heard me crying in my sleep and came over to see what was the matter. He picked me up and held me. He gave me some medicine for my ear ache and what probably was a bad cold, but the pain was so great that I couldn’t find peace. So he put me on the couch and read me a picture book story. This was the first memory I had of the power of the voice of my father. I didn’t really care what he said or what the story was about. I just liked listening to the sound of his voice. It was saying to a deeper part of me, that he loved me, that I was lovable, that I was good.
Many times in my childhood his voice spoke to me this message. I remember driving to work with him. He was a carpenter and it was an hour drive to the construction site from our home. He used to sing to me, talk to me, and tell me stories. I don’t remember a lot of what he said, but I always remember how I felt when I heard the sound of his voice. I guess the first time I realized the need I had to hear this voice was when I was in college. I was struggling with figuring out how to balance the difficult schedule of studying, my after school job, and trying to grow up. When I called him on the phone I distinctly remember the great confidence I felt just listening to my father’s voice. It always seemed to give me a deep peace, a kind of strength in my bones, in my heart of hearts I found that because my father gave me the gift of his time, his words, and above all, his love, that I am a lovable person and that I am capable of doing whatever this life demands, even if at times these are very difficult things.
MY MOTHER’S VOICE
I first noticed the imprint of my mother’s voice when I found myself in great danger. I was in a Philippine jungle where it was said that armed soldiers were hiding that wanted to overthrow the government. They had kidnapped many western missionaries and held them for ransom. When faced with the choice to go a short way across a mountain path that was supposedly covered with these armed forces, or to go the long way that was safer, I distinctly heard the voice of my mother, “Be careful! Don’t do anything foolish.” What? How did my mother’s protective voice find it’s way into my conscience?
WE LONG TO HEAR THE VOICE OF OUR FATHER AND MOTHER
Why is it that we are so deeply comforted to hear the voice of our father and mother, why does their voice become such a profound part of our hearts and consciences? Why do we long for their love? The truth about the human person is that each is created by and for a loving communion of persons. In the beginning we read:
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27)
This means that, as Blessed Pope John Paul II says in his theology of the Body,
“man became the image of God not only through his own humanity, but also through the communion of persons”
For just as the Eternal Father is one with the Eternal Son and from their intimate communion of persons is conceived and flows the Person of the Holy Spirit, so too, from the intimate communion of man and woman is conceived and flows a new human person. This new life happens in the conception of the womb but also it ought to happen every day in family life. The very same love of the Eternal Family of the Blessed Trinity is replicated and echoed in the love of man and woman who not only in the act of conception but by their communion and friendship daily give life to their children.
It is amazing to see the connection between trinitarian theology and the differences between man and woman. God the Father is the origin (what the name actually means in Greek) of the Son and Holy Spirit. He is the principle or initiation of the other two persons. God the Son is eternally receptive to the Father and his love. From the love of both Father and Son comes the Holy Spirit. In this understanding of the Blessed Trinity, we can understand the pattern of masculine and feminine complementarity and fertility. Dr Philip Mango, a psychologist who teaches a kind of “psychology of the body” that accompanies the theology of the body says:
“The definition of masculinity is the male who takes initiative regularly. He initiates something that is good for others at a cost to himself, at a sacrifice to himself, and sustains what he has initiated with power and love, as a positive leader, as a protector, defender, lover, and a wise counselor.“The definition of femininity is active receptivity.”
Masculinity and femininity are from God, have their origin in his image and likeness and a person who has underdeveloped their manhood or womanhood is not living the fullness of their dignity as a son or daughter of God. We can see that masculinity and femininity have been lived out in different ways throughout the ages and in different cultures, but their origin is in God and is not simply sociological evolution or mere cultural conditioning. These are ultimately made for life. What does man initiate in the seed of his body and woman receive within her body? LIFE!
It is written into our nature, which by scientific studies, can be observed and noted. According to the social sciences:
There is no fact that has been established by social science literature more convincingly than the following: all variables considered, children are best served when reared in a home with a married mother and father. David Popenoe (1996) summarized the research nicely: "social science research is almost never conclusive, yet in three decades of work as a social scientist, I know of few other bodies of data in which the weight of evidence is so decisively on one side of the issue: on the whole, for children, two-parent families" (p. 176). (Gender Complementarity and Child Rearing by Dr A. Dean Beard PhD)
THE EFFECT OF MASCULINE AND FEMININE VOICES
There was a study done in a pediatric ward with small infants. They had a room full of babies whose neurological activity was being monitored. When a man walked into the room and started speaking to the babies, they started to kick and wiggle and move about. Their brain activity became very active, their eyes widened, and they looked around the room full of excitement. When a woman walked into the room and started talking to the babies, they lay still, their neurological activity became calmer, their eyes started to close, and some started to fall asleep.
“Male and female differences emerge in ways in which infants are held and the differential ways in which mothers and fathers use touch with their children. Mothers more frequently use touch to calm, soothe, or comfort infants. When a mother lifts her child, she brings the child toward her breasts providing warmth, comfort, security and protection. Fathers more often use touch to stimulate or to excite the child. Fathers tend to hold infants at arms length in front of them, make eye contact, toss the infant in the air, or embrace the child in such a way that the child is looking over the father's shoulder. Shapiro notes that each of these "daddy holds" underscores a sense of freedom (1994).
“Clarke-Stewart (1980) reported differences in mothers' and fathers' play. Mothers tend to play more at the child's level. Mothers provide an opportunity to direct the play, to be in charge, to proceed at the child's pace. Fathers' play resembles a teacher-student relationship-- apprenticeship of sorts. Fathers' play is more rough-and-tumble.”
MEN AND WOMEN ARE EQUAL BUT DIFFERENT - COMPLEMENTARY
The complementarity of man and woman serves the communion between them in sexual attraction and fertility in the procreation of children, but it also serves to develop different parts of the person. Let’s look at the person from a Catholic anthropology, looking at man from the point of view of St Thomas Aquinas, who probably better than any has been able to discriminate within the human organism, the subtle differences between different faculties, i.e. the intellect and will, passions and powers, and how they relate to one another.
Men have a very developed reason (ratio) for the use of a kind of hyper-focus, to get a difficult job done and persevere in doing it until the goal is accomplished. Reason is able to dissect a situation, compartmentalize it and analyze abstract principles, essences, and ideas. Women have a highly developed intuitive intellect (intellectus), which helps to look at the whole situation and see things in a holistic approach, helping them to embrace the emotional content of a situation and draw out from it an intimate meaning and purpose. Some have said that men are more “right-brain” and women are “left-brain,” however, if you actually look at the physical organ of the brain of an actual man it is in two compartments with a super conductor in the middle of two lobes. A woman’s brain is so interconnected by a spaghetti super network that it almost appears that it is one lobe. So actually, the whole right-brain/left-brain thing is only applicable to men. Each human person needs to develop both parts of the intellect the abstract ratio and the intuitive intellectus. It is clear from studies that the complementarity of both and man and woman raising a child that both parts of the mind are exercised, challenged, and matured.Also the will needs to be developed. Aquainas said that there are two basic sets of volition or willing within man, two types of appetites. One is for the enjoyment of the pleasurable good, the concupiscible appetite, and another is for desiring the good that is difficult to attain, the irascible appetite. Femininity seems to embody all of the qualities of the pleasurable good, a voice that is gentle, a eyes that are soft and welcoming, a nurturing and sensitive touch. While masculinity seems to embody everything about obtain the arduous or difficult good: decisive actions, courageous execution of plans, anger at the good that is threatened, a hatred for what is evil.
One thing must be clarified here. While men and women’s complementarity does embody or exhibit a particular trait of the human person, each human person must develop all of these faculties. However, men tend to develop the feminine qualities albeit in a masculine way, and vice versa for women. In fact, St Edith Stein said that the a person has not fully developed into their masculine manhood or feminine womanhood unless they embody both the masculine and feminine qualities, yet possess them and express them in keeping with their sexual identity. Who shows more womanly assertiveness, decisiveness, and protectiveness than the Blessed Mother, whose womanhood had perfectly matured in its fullness? Who is more gentle, nurturing, and sensitive than Jesus, albeit in a masculine way?
HOW FATHER & MOTHER EFFECT THE DEVELOPMENT OF A PERSON
What is amazing is that studies show how essential it is for a person to experience the both masculine and feminine affirmation in order for all their faculties to develop properly.
Perhaps this is seen most strikingly in those who are deprived of it. Children who grew up without a fatherly influence:
-Exhibited a general lack of courage and confidence, especially in accomplishing difficult goals
-"there may be something unique to fathers that provides children with different opportunities to regulate their emotions" (Broughton 2000)
-Were statistically more promiscuous and found it difficult to live chaste relationships well, which is particularly difficult for women in later years who develop “daddy issues”
-Showed high sense of aggression and could not express anger in a healthy way or found it highly uncomfortable when someone is angry with them
Children who grew up without a motherly influence:
-Found it difficult speak about their feelings, experience connectedness, and found intimacy awkward
-showed high insecurity and need for attention, physical contact, emotional and affirmation
-Had difficulty showing affection, warmth and developing depth in romantic relationships with their spouses.
In today’s world, the high percentage of broken families is giving rise to persons who would be described by many of the above traits.
Dr Conrad Baars, PhD, an expert psychiatrist who was a consultant for Pope Paul VI on psychological matters, was famous for his intuition in understanding the affirmation of the person. Clearly, he said, that most people experience a kind of birthing of their person before the age of 5. In fact 80% of the person is already developed into who he or she will become for the rest of their life: including their capacity to love and be loved, their gender identification, and their overall understanding of what it is to be a human person. Yet there is another kind of birthing that happens usually in a persons late teens and early twenties, a kind of psychological birthing of their personality. This too happens by way of affirmation, that the person begins to see themselves as an adult who is capable of loving and being loved.
The problem is that so many people find themselves unlovable and unaffirmed either by father or mother or both. This can be true even of persons who grew up in homes with both parents physically present but emotionally absent. In fact, it can even be more painful when a parent is there but is incapable of loving and affirming the child. Blessed Pope John Paul II in his letter to Families, also spoke about the egocentric and hedonistic tendencies of parents that brings about the terrifying phenomenon of children being “orphans of living parents,” which is a wound of being rejected and unloved. In these cases a person is almost better off having lost a parent through death rather than having the parent reject the child and refuse to show love to him.
I find, as a priest, the pews of the Churches full of such orphaned, unloved, unaffirmed persons. It wasn’t that somebody did something to them that was terrible, but it what someone didn’t do to them - love them. Dr Conrad Baars, together with Dr Anna Teruwe was responsible for the discovery of a very modern emotional disorder, Emotional Deprivational Disorder.
“Emotional Deprivation Disorder is a syndrome which results from a lack of authentic affirmation and emotional strengthening in one's life. A person may have been criticized, ignored, neglected, abused, or emotionally rejected by primary caregivers early in life, resulting in that individual’s stunted emotional growth. Unaffirmed persons are incapable of developing into emotionally mature adults until they receive authentic affirmation from another person. Maturity is reached when there is a harmonious relationship between a person’s body, mind, emotions and spiritual soul under the guidance of their reason and will.”
REACTION TO LIFE
Most of the time people don’t like to think about the evil in their lives, who didn’t love them, who abandoned them, who might have hurt them. So unless a person is able to look it in the eye and deal with it, it gets buried and people develop a whole intricate system of learning how to ignore it, cope with it, “medicate” it: drugs, alcoholism, being a workaholic, perfectionism, over-achieving, over-eating, promiscuous sex, pornography, avoidance of any kind or responsibility or stresses that are part of a normal life, and so on. Yet these are perhaps the things that are the most harmful. The deepest wounds that people have are not what has been done to them but what they do in reaction to it. It is not what goes into a man that defiles him but what comes out of him, not what happens to him, but what he makes happen (Matthew 15:1).
It is particularly difficult when this reaction is not conscious, and therefore may appear to have a life of its own. Aquainas differentiated between two parts of the will, the active and the passive, similar to what modern psychology calls the conscious and subconscious part of a person. It is very common for a person to be subconsciously needy of masculine or feminine affirmation or attention if they were deprived of it when they were younger. Because of the power of sin working in us this may at times be acted out in perverse ways.
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